Monday, August 29, 2005

Pittsburgh: A Travel Guide

So, you've decided to go to Pittsburgh for the weekend to visit your friends Emily and Chris. Good choice! They're nice people and they have a spare room.

First and foremost, wake up ridiculously early and find out that, yes, the rumors are true -- there really is a 4 a.m. Arrive at the airport with ample time to spare. Be cheap. Decide that, even though you're only going to be gone for 2 1/2 days, you need to save 8 dollars by using "economy parking" at the airport. Fail to realize that "economy parking" = middle of fucking nowhere with no available spaces. Spend 45 minutes driving around looking for a space. Find a space in New Jersey. Take nasty, germy, crowded shuttle bus to wrong terminal. Run outside in 94% humidity two terminals down to correct terminal. Upon entering terminal, hear loudspeaker announce the final boarding call for your flight.


Catch next flight to The Burgh. Have a small and completely expected panic attack on the plane. Arrive in Pittsburgh. Find and hug Emily. Get in Emily's car and regale each other with stories about your respective lives en route to her house. Arrive at the house and become overjoyed upon finding a toilet in the basement. Not a bathroom in the basement; a toilet. In a stall. Pretend you are camping and use the toilet. Feel earthy.

Meet up with Chris for lunch. Regale Chris with several of the same stories already told to Emily. Watch Emily do an excellent job of feigning continued fascination with your life.

Over the next few days, do the following things with your friends:

-- Watch copious amounts of television and trash celebrities.

-- Watch a TV movie about Mary Kay LeTourneau. Have a lengthy discussion about the psychological and societal issues raised by the entity of Mary Kay LeTourneau. Thank God profusely that you have friends who will seriously talk about this shit with you for hours.

-- Go see "The Aristrocrats." Thank God that you have friends who like dirty jokes as much as you do, and who also recognize anyone who's ever been on Comedy Central for even a second.

-- Drink margaritas and play board games. Laugh heartily.

Now, sadly, it's time to go home. Leave for the airport two hours before your flight. Run into quite possibly the worst traffic jam in the history of time. Rely on the combination of Emily's unmatched map-reading skills and Chris' love of back roads to get you to the airport via the scenic route. See a side of Pittsburgh you will never forget, not even with therapy. Arrive at the airport ten minutes before your flight leaves. Miss your flight. Get a new flight, and proceed through security. Get stopped and searched at security for having scissors in your bag. Explain to the security guard that they didn't even notice them at the Philly airport. Realize with a shudder that the Philly airport is shit both in terms of security and economy parking. Arrive home. Watch the MTV Video Music Awards and make the following observations:

  1. Apparently there was a law passed that says rappers must wear white.
  2. "Pimpin' all over the world" is perhaps not the call to multiculturalism we really need.
  3. Diddy continues to outdo himself in asshole-itude.
  4. Awards shows really shouldn't be about the audience, they should be about the celebrities. I don't want to make fun of regular people, I want to make fun of Jessica Simpson and her "shirt."
  5. Shaquille O'Neal scares the living shit out of me.
  6. Eric Roberts?
  7. R. Kelly is the most entertaining sex-offender ever.
  8. Rock is officially dead.


As requested, E and C at the movies, taken with my phone camera, the Ultra Crappy 3000:


Anonymous said...

HAHHAHAHAHA!!!! The image of MK and her younger man should be the poster for illicit/illegal May-December relationships. You summed up the hilarious fun of our weekend perfectly. Can you include the photo from the theater of the Adults Only sign? Geez... Do you realize that MK and Billy can't see the Aristocrats together? Woah.

Nina said...

As you wish, Magnificent E...