Monday, February 27, 2006

your call will be answered in the order in which it was received

Dear loyal fan,

We here at It's All About Me, Anyway are fully aware of the non-update situation, and we apologize for the inconvenience. It's just that our time has been diverted into other avenues lately.

For instance, we had a brief case of Olympic Fever, contracted during the craptastic Opening Ceremonies and later cured when we realized the biathlon consisted of skiing and the same time. We attempted to manifest our inner gay man and get all up into the figure skating, but we just couldn't get past the outfits. And frankly, when we were promised that Bode Miller would drunkenly ski his way to Olympic glory and it didn't happen, a little part of us died. We now look forward to the Summer Olympics in 2008, when the gymnastics competition will reaffirm our belief that tiny people can indeed fly.

Additionally, our DVR situation has gotten critical. We now fully grasp the joys of watching American Idol without commercials, and therefore save up all episodes until the weekend, when we watch them back-to-back while eating Doritos and yelling at the screen. For the record, we are entirely thrilled that Hot Twin Who Couldn't Sing For Shit was voted off. It's not that we don't appreciate fame whores, we just don't want to listen to them butcher Patti Smith.

We have also been experiencing technical difficulties, as we have recently become loathe to post from work. Although we are careful never to post about work itself, (and we do appreciate your cooperation in not letting slip our CIA codename), it is entirely conceivable that this could "look bad," and we want to be universally liked and not fired, so we'll just leave it at that.

So, between television shows live and recorded, and the reluctance to use our day jobs inappropriately, It's All About Me, Anyway has regrettably suffered. But we have not forgotten about you, loyal reader. No, we have you in mind every time pimply boy from class says something stupid, or Flavor Flav tongues a trannie. We care about you, and do not want to post on just any old thing, but only on topics of interest and amusement, and those don't pop up all the time.

So just remember, it's not you -- it's us.

Keep the faith.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I'll have the Rooty Tooty Fresh-n-Fruity

Did you ever go to a restaurant at an off-peak time, when it was only you, your eating companion and perhaps one old man sitting at a booth by himself drinking watery coffee? And you walk in and think you're going to get a nice, quick meal because they're not busy so the waiter can pay extra attention to you? And instead it turns out to be the longest meal of your life because they're not busy and therefore not running around, seeing if your food is ready or if you need more Diet Pepsi? And the inverted logic of it all just pisses you off?

My brain is currently an IHOP at 4 p.m.

I didn't even have my one stupid class this week, because the grad student instructor cancelled it so she could go on job interviews. Which is her right and I ain't mad at the bitch, but I need some stimulation. I'm going to start banging my head against the wall like those children in Eastern European orphanages. Wait, that's not funny and I'm a bad person. Sigh.

The one thing I do have to do is a short paper for next week. Am I doing it? No, I'm watching Oprah, and I don't even like Oprah. If I was too busy to watch Oprah, I'd be doing my paper. It makes perfect sense so shut up.

Speaking of watching things on TV I don't even like, have I mentioned my new best friend, the DVR? Oh, the DVR! How I love and adore and would kill for the DVR! If you don't know, a DVR is a generic TiVo. If you don't know what TiVo is...Mom, stop reading my blog. Anyway, I got it about 2 weeks ago, and it is awesomer that the most awesome thing on Planet Awesome. You can record shit and then watch it back while fast-forwarding through the commercials! You can rewind live TV! You can freeze-frame during American Idol just when Ryan Seacrest is looking his douche-iest (see above) and therefore prolong the mocking indefinitely! Seriously, I don't know how I lived without it.

Of course, looking at the list of programs I've gone out of my way to record, it becomes quickly apparent that my television taste is decidedly lowbrow. The DVR is going to run out of memory from multiple episodes of Flavor of Love alone, and I'm not too proud of that. I could watch nature shows and CNN and be all cerebral and shit, but I believe that TV is an escape, and I don't really want to think about the world and its problems while I watch it. I think about the world's problems at work, and that's plenty.

Besides, Flavor of Love is a riot. A nervous laughter, stomach-churning riot. Really, if you ever wanted to know where women who can't get hired as strippers go, watch the show and find out. And I think at least two of them are/were men, so it's fun to look for clues.

So, yeah, my DVR is filled with F of L, American Idol, Judge Judy and The Simpsons, but at least the latter two shows offer sharp social insight and I'll debate anyone who says otherwise. Seriously. Judge Judy is the voice of reason in a world of moral decline. In fact, I have to go watch her berate a teenage mother right now.

Nina out!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Dear Jon,

Baby, you know I love you.

You know I'll do anything for you. I'll watch Playing By Heart (repeatedly). I won't tell anyone (else) about that whole "Jon Stewart Liebowitz" thing. I'll make sure your wife continues to think I'm your personal, on-call dental hygienist (ahem). Anything.

And you know that when I criticize, it's born of genuine affection and concern for your well-being, right? Okay then:

Please, for the love of God and my libido, don't ever, ever, EVER let them do this to your hair again...

Stay strong, my little matzoh ball.