In a completely unsurprising development, Eminem's reason for canceling his You're-a-peein tour has been revised from "exhaustion" to "dependency on sleep-medication."
Three guesses on what "sleep-medication" actually is:
2. Tylenol PM
3. Heroin and Tylenol PM (known on the street as a "slowball")
In related news, people are shocked, SHOCKED, that a "bad batch of heroin" is responsible for several deaths in NYC lately. Hellooo? It's HEROIN, for the Love of Courtney, what did you think it was going to do, make your hair shiny? The term "bad heroin" is not only redundant, it's dangerous. Like, if you get your hands on the good heroin, you'll be just fine. Between Eminem and the news media, our children are doomed. Not that I have any personally, but, you know, our collective children; the future. It's a metaphor, people. Go with it.