Friday, August 05, 2005

even blonde

As part of my (currently thrilling) job, I have a sworn duty to peruse the local newspapers. When I say "local newspapers," I am not referring to the one with actual news, (although that distinction is debatable), television listings, movie times and enough other useful information to actually merit charging you to read it. No, I'm talking about the free local newspapers. The ones with front-page reports about minor road construction. The ones with reader-submitted photos of dogs wearing hats. The ones like The Middletown Transcript, (I would have provided a hyperlink here to the Transcript's website if, in fact, the Transcript had a website). So now, in the interest of spreading the misery around, I shall reproduce in full a letter to the editor from the most recent edition of the "paper." (Please note: this letter is verbatim, including questionable grammar and typos, which are par for the course):

America is looking older
To the editor:

Have you noticed the graying of America? Especially among the women; and men too? Even your mother and father.

But why is it? And can it be changed? I think it can.

Women primarily set the goals and standards. Because when enough females wear hats to church, others do and if they tell their husbands and daughters then their boyfriends will too. Let's change the graying of America.

They may even darken their hair. Loreal, Revlon and others.

Go to a nursing home and see for yourself. We have allowed ourselves to age overnight and before our time.

White hair! It wasn't here at 50 or 60 but it's here now. But it doesn't have to be. Let to women change it back where it belongs. Brown, black, even blonde. Why not?

Respectfully,
Some Idiot
Wilmington

This little diatribe against nature is particularly interesting when you pause to consider the fact the writer is himself 82 years young, (and before you ask, if I told you how I knew that I'd have to kill you). So, given that this man couldn't possibly be a hypocrite on top of being useless and stupid, I am imagining he looks something like this (minus the multiple facelifts and fake bake, of course):

And don't even get me started on what letters the Middletown Transcript left out in order to leave room for this one. Probably something completely inane, like one about the Supreme Court or the war or something.

All I know is, those ladies at the nursing home better shape up.

1 comment:

Thom said...

This hereby confirms my lifetime commitment to avoid Middletown.

-Thom