Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I have to disagree with that

Remember how, a couple of posts ago, one of the reasons I was upset about prematurely dropping the writing class was that I thought the people in it were more interesting than the people in my other classes? Turns out that isn't really going to be a problem.

There is a battle a-brewin' in my literature class, and I'm just happy to be there to watch.

Remember the kid I mentioned before, the tool who speaks even when he clearly has nothing to say? Well, he is in fine form. For example, just today the subject of "gender" versus "sex" came up, and the instructor asked us to define what we thought the different implications of using either term were. Well, Larry, (you know how much I like to give them names), raised his acne-covered hand and declared, post-nasally, "To put it in really crude and basic terms, 'gender' refers to between your ears and 'sex' refers to between your legs." This was followed by complete silence, which is notable because, as a small literature class led by a grad student, the room is usually pretty animated. And, Grad Student earned her paycheck/stipend/cafeteria voucher by moving us past this little comment with a scholarly and measured, "Oooookay...anyone else?"

Anyway, suffice it to say, Larry is getting on everyone's nerves, but no one more than Bruce, the chatty, effeminate best friend of Bumper Sticker Girl. Now, Bruce indeed has valuable comments to make, and at first I thought I'd like him. But just as a yin needs its yang to fully realize itself, Bruce's true colors didn't fly until he was faced with Larry. And it's really a shame that they're at odds, because they're actually so very much alike -- each completely preoccupied with proving how smart he is. But while Larry would lecture to a brick wall just to hear himself speak, Bruce has made it his mission in life, (or at least his mission in class), to disagree with everything Larry says, and it's excruciatingly entertaining.

See, #14 on the list of 59 things I've learned in life so far is this: Even complete tools are right sometimes, and arguing with them when that happens is like holding up a mirror to your own douchebagginess so that you are twice the asshole. But Bruce clearly hasn't yet had this realization.

I don't blame the guy for trying, honestly. I mean, this Larry kid is seriously horrible, and should rightfully be taken down a peg. But the thing is, if you just let the schmuck talk, he'll destroy himself -- he's a self-fulfilling prophesy of moronicity. And to pick "intellectual" fights with him just draws it out more. Today, it might as well have gone like this:

LARRY: It's really raining out there.

BRUCE: I have to disagree with that.

TEACHER/PATSY: Why's that, Bruce?

BRUCE: Well, "really" is a relative term. To the people of India, the summer monsoon season surely encompasses the term "really raining" far more accurately and graphically than this mid-winter Philadelphia drizzle.

And that's the point where I stab myself in the eye with my pen.

But at least it's a show. The only real problem is that I've clearly put myself on the anti-Larry team with my not-so-subtle facial expressions when he says something stupid, (can your eyebrows be judgmental? Because if they can, mine are going straight to hell), and so now Bruce looks to me for reassurance when he argues with him. And as much as I can't stand pimply, phlegmy Larry, I do have to give him credit when it's due. After all, I've been that kid in class who everyone laughed at because they were too damn happy with their own vocabulary, and I guess some part of me identifies with Larry's "struggle."

Well, whatever. Bruce doesn't really need me on his side, anyway...he has Bumper Sticker Girl. They can just sit there and be wrong together. Which means that, again, I'm right and alone. Which is exactly where I like to be.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha!! It's like Ivy League mind wrestling. They should make a movie starring Colin Farrell about such things. Maybe mind wrestling in the movie could be played in loin clothes. And maybe Colin Farrell, as Larry, could wrestle against Colin Firth, as Bruce. Can I preorder my tickets?