Saturday, June 03, 2006

I'm too ashamed to think of a title

You're right, it's unacceptable.

The fact that there has not been a post in over a month is simply ludicrous, and I do apologize. I'm a bad blogger, and I know it. That you are even here, checking this blog and reading this post, bespeaks of your remarkable faith in me. That, or you maxed out your credit card on porn and have no other sites to look at, but I'll take it.

So, here's where things stand:
I'm in Philly again. Yep. I've got to say, as moving goes, this one was relatively pain-free. The hardest thing has been downsizing to a one-bedroom apartment with a serious lack of storage space from a two-bedroom house with so much room that I filled an entire closet with clothes that haven't fit me since Monica Lewinsky had a job. Those items are now at the Chadds Ford Goodwill, and if you hurry, you too can stock up on floral-print babydoll dresses and clunky shoes before they're gone.

Anyway, the apartment is good. It's a few blocks away from Rittenhouse Square, which is where I lived when I was in the city before, and I really like that this place is quieter and more low-key. The tradeoff is that it's a little further away from the grocery store and the bank and stuff like that, but so far, so good. It's within walking distance of both school and Abbie & Jorge's place, which, as far as I'm concerned, are the only two attractions this city really has to offer. Someone once said something about an art museum and some other cultural shit, but I've got HBO so it doesn't really matter.

School is okay, as well. I'm starting off with one class for the first summer session, (two is considered full-time), as the reading load is very heavy and it's about all I can handle while I acclimate to my new environment. The class is a Classical Studies survey of Alexander the Great, and, unfortunately, I'm not allowed to write my term paper on the movie, as it was apparently not especially accurate or, you know, good. At any rate, I'm really enjoying the class. The professor is a very enthusiastic Aussie who peppers the lectures with hilarious Australian euphemisms, like referring to the crotch region on a Greek statue as the guy's "tackle," which is the word I will be using from now on. No particularly funny students in the class, though, I'm sad to report, although there are two Senior Associates, which is the coolest thing about summer classes at Penn. They have this Senior Associate program whereby older, (and I mean older), Penn alumni attend classes. Seriously, they're adorable. One of them in my class wears, alternately, a sportcoat and Dockers or a purple nylon warmup suit. I've got my fingers crossed that one of these days he shows up with the sportcoat on top and the warmup pants on the bottom. Not because he's confused, you understand, but because he's awesome.

I'm looking forward to telling you all the crazy city stories as they happen to me, too, although I don't really have one right now. There was a little incident with the building maintenance man, which I have related to many of you already, but for those I haven't told, here's the nutshell version: The maintenance man was in and out of my apartment one day doing stuff while I attempting to read. He eventually asked me what I was reading, to which I replied that it was a book about Alexander the Great, which was apparently just the springboard he was looking for in order to tell me the following tidbits of information:
  • Alexander's mother was in a lesbian snake cult.
  • God is a "god of position," and it's okay that some things are above other things, and that's what these radical feminists just don't understand.
  • We are living in the last days prophesied in the Bible

Needless to say, I was horrified, and got on the computer in an attempt to look busy so that he'd stop talking to me, (it didn't work). Luckily, Abbie was online, and I reached out to her as perhaps the last person I'd speak to before I became the maintenance man's fourth wife and we moved to the compound. Here is an excerpt from our actual conversation:

me: oh my god abbie there's a maintenance man in my apartment and he's a Christian nut and he's trying to convince me, based on my Alexander book, that we're in the end times

Abbie: stay strong Nina!

me: i am seriously halfway between terrified and laughing my ass off, and I don't even know if you're there, but if you never hear from me again, blame it on the maintenance man

Abbie: If i never hear from you again, I will assume that you have been saved and that my soul is doomed for hell.

me: oh no, not you too!
honestly, he asked me what I was reading and i told him alexander stuff, and he said, 'do you have a bible?'
and of course, because i am a naive moron, i was like, 'yeah, sure, lots of interesting folklore in there" and he was like 'not folklore in here, missy!"
and then he asked me if i was jewish
i mean, really, he's very nice, but he's also very scary
now he's singing

Abbie: Do you want me to call you on the phone for an important meeting you need to attend so you can get out of there?

me: abbie he's going to sacrifice me to jesus
no, i actually need to leave for class in a few minutes, and i kind of want to 'see him out'
but thank you, if only i had thought to IM you an hour ago when this all began

Abbie: oh, well hopefully his work is handy and you won't ever need his assistance again.

me: why am i so damn nice to people? now he thinks i'm his buddy and he can talk to me some more about how radical feminism is ruining the world
no! he has to come back to fix the air conditioner and the garbage disposal!
son of a bitch!

Abbie: you mean, Jesus Christ!

So that's my most interesting city story so far, and it happened inside my very apartment. Although, given what a hotbed of kooky, crazy adventure this place is, I'm not surprised. I am completely and utterly petrified by the maintenance man, now, and have resolved that even if my toilet is overflowing with cockroach legs and rusty nails, I will put on some boots and deal with it myself. It'll be fine, I'm very handy. I even have a hammer.

Okay, folks, I guess that's all I have to report for now. Like I always say, I will try and post more often. Thanks for checking the site and being so patient. You guys are more awesome than a Senior Associate in a track suit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Okay, not to be as fashion-unconcious as Andrea Zuckerman, but what's the scandal with purple tracksuits?! Are they too "matchy-matchy"? I wish I could download the maintenance man story onto a portable "reading" device and read it over and over laughing. Not that I laugh at your brush with peril, but rather, your dialogue with Abbie which is certainly funny enough to get you through the end of time. Yay for the return of the BLOG! I'm your most loyal consumer. I should get "Nina blog points" and a free bottle of ketchup (my favorite food). Keep 'em comin', Nina the Great!