Sunday, December 04, 2005


* What Would Judge Judy Do?

On Thursday, I have to go to court and I’m terrified. Not because you narc’d on my stash, silly, but to actually testify for the cops in response to a guy I got into an accident with in July.

It’s actually pretty stupid of me to be worried about going to court, given the amount of secondhand legal knowledge I have under my belt. This stems both from years of careful Judge Judy viewing and the fact that about one out of every three people I know – from family to friends to co-workers – is a dirty stinking lawyer. (It’s actually even a profession I reserve the right to possibly attempt for myself one day, and I think I’d be really good at it given my love of both arguing and money).

Besides, I’m not sure there are even going to be lawyers at this proceeding – there’s not enough at stake. What happened was that I was in a relatively minor accident where, while it was in fact my car that hit the other guy’s car, the police gave him a ticket for improper driving and not me, (he had turned right in front of me through an intersection when I had the right-of-way, and I had nowhere to go but to hit him). Anyway, his insurance company, because it’s their job, (don’t hate the player, hate the game), is contesting the ruling because they don’t want to pay for all the damage, (my faithful car, it of over 100,000 miles and countless close shaves on my part, was totaled). At first, I took the actions of the insurance company really personally. It was the first accident I had ever been in that was substantial enough to warrant the police even showing up, and I was pissed off that it happened in the first place, only to feel vindicated when the police officer gave the other guy a ticket and not me. Plus, it was a really aggravating and tense situation, as the police officer was kind of a dick, (again, it’s his job), and, up until the point where he told me he’d be ticketing the other guy, treated me like I had just run over a basket of puppies.

Anyway, my role in the whole proceeding is to be a witness for this cop, and I’m all kinds of paranoid about the whole deal. At first, it was scheduled to take place on Yom Kippur, so I asked them to move it. Not that I spent the day in temple, remorseful and starving like I should have been, but it was a question of propriety. Anyway, I started thinking that when I finally made it in to the courtroom, the opposing party would be extra mean to be because I was a Jew. You know, because my people are so underrepresented in the legal world and everything.

But the truth is that I did hit the other guy and not the other way around, and on the surface, that makes it look like I was at least partially to blame. If you look at the facts, of course, it wasn’t my fault – and that’s the police officer’s position which I am there to support – but I’m internalizing the whole issue as an attack on my character. Yup – leave it to me to make this a reason to step into a downward emotional spiral.

So, I will let you all know how it goes on Thursday. If I feel really threatened, I’ll just pretend I am Judge Judy…“On my worst day I’m smarter than you’ll ever be, Mister Slick.”

(By the way, I’ve been writing this while watching VH1’s “Big in ’05 Awards.” I mean, I’m all for pop culture self-aggrandization in the form of awards shows, but I’m having a really hard time seeing the point of this one. Although I’ve got to say, it’s pretty awesome to watch Lindsay Lohan being rightfully made fun of while she’s sitting in the audience wearing a stupid bedazzled dress. I suppose VH1 is going to really pat itself on the back for getting B-, C- and D-list celebrities to show up and not take themselves seriously, but that self-importance is one of things I actually really like about the Oscars, Emmys, etc. [I’m not saying there haven’t been films that made an impact in the world, but Jerry Maguire wasn’t one of them.] Also, doesn’t MTV already host like 14 awards shows where celebrities don’t take themselves seriously? VH1 is really grasping at straws with this one, but that’s kind of their m.o., and they also just ran a commercial for their new show, “Flavor of Love,” in which actual human women compete to win the affections of Flava Flav. I really wish I had made that up, but I in fact did not.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

FLAVOR FLAV = My Future Dream Lover