Here is the nutshell version of my higher education, in list form.
- Drop of out of high school and get a G.E.D.
- Apply to the University of Delaware for shits and giggles. Swallow foot when accepted.
- Spend 5 years at UD cycling through a variety of majors from Political Science to Psychology, eventually settling on Marijuana.
- Quit school disillusioned and really, really fat.
- Work as a clerical peon. See your life unfold before your eyes.
- Apply to the University of Pennsylvania. Through the gross incompetence of an employee in the admissions office, get accepted.
- Attend classes at Penn. Move to Philly. Pretend you are just like everyone else, except that they're younger and far better dressed. Act like you enjoy living in the city and befriending spoiled assholes. Forget everything you've learned about yourself and life in general.
- Have your 67th nervous breakdown.
- Drop your classes, move back to the suburbs and eat large quantities of dairy products.
- Return to work.
- Get everything you can possibly get out of your job, which is a great one that actually pays you to write and gives you more credit and responsibility than any dropout deserves, but can only be taken so far.
- Have 68th nervous breakdown and consider your options.
- Realize that no one's going to hand anything to you.
- Grow up. (Just a little.)
So, yeah, the end result is that I need to get this college thing done already. I am not happy about it. I hate school. I really, very much, sincerely, for very legitimate and hard to explain reasons, hate school. I know it's difficult for many people to understand that. Most people tend to say "Oh I wish I could go back to college! College was the best time of my life!" Well, those people can bite my ass. Hating school is just part of the fabric of me.
While I may hate school, I do like earning money. And, based on the tingle that goes up and down my spine when I get to ask an intern to do something at work, I really, really want some employees one day. And a cleaning service. Oh, and a Beemer. A sweet ass Beemer. But I need some degrees to accomplish this, and they won't let me into grad school on charm alone, so I have to get the B.A. first.
So that's where things stand now -- I am returning to school for entirely capitalist reasons. This has very little to do with bettering myself in the Oprah sense. I think the blogging will be pretty good when I return to school, though, since -- although I'll ironically have less free time than I do at work -- I'll have a hell of a lot more to be annoyed about which is, you know, funny.
I'll leave you for now with something I've recently learned. A little nugget of hard-earned wisdom passed from me to you...
Let's say you have to take a Spanish placement test to determine if your skill level meets your university's requirement for the degree and, if not, how much Spanish you need to take in order to accomplish that requirement. Let's say that you're a little cavalier about this placement test, based on the fact that you won an award in 8th grade for your proficiency, and that you already met the first university you attended's language requirement. Let's also say that, because of meeting that requirement and having been out of school for a couple of years, (and the fact that you haven't spoken to your friend Jimena in a really, really long time), you haven't uttered a word of Spanish in mucho tiempo. Let's say all of that is true...You might want to crack open a book before you take the placement test. At least watch a few hours of Telemundo. Order a burrito in the language of its origin. Do something. Do not, under any circumstances, just sit down on your couch, put the TV on in the background, and breeze through the fucker like there's no possibility that you'll score so low your ass will get bumped down to ELEMENTARY MOTHERFUCKING SPANISH and that you'll have to take three courses to reach the requirement. Seriously, write this down. Es muy importante.